Dexter's Empire
by Crayz9000
Summary: A very silly fic that I wrote ten years ago, Dexter's Empire manages to cross over with every universe I could think of at the time. Nobody is safe from its random lunacy. Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors, I was still a beginner.
1. Chapter 1

**Dexter's Empire**

A spoof fanfic by Crayz9000

Dexter's Laboratory property of Cartoon Network.  
Star Trek property of Paramount.  
Star Wars property of Lucasfilm  
The Crocodile Hunter property of The Discovery Channel.  
Super Mario Brothers property of Nintendo.  
Doctor Who property of the BBC.  
2001: A Space Odyssey property of... I don't know, Stanley Kubrick?  
MechWarrior2 property of Activision.  
WarCraft property of Blizzard Entertainment.  
Honeycombs property of General Mills.  
Back to the Future property of Universal.  
"Got Milk?" is a trademark of The United Dairy Council, or something like  
that.  
Radio Shack and the TRS-80 property of Tandy, Inc.  
Thanks to Dodge, a division of Chrysler Motors, for use of a Viper.  
The Dukes of Hazzard property of Warner Brothers. Something like that.  
Otherspace and the Daltonator trademark property of Rob Dalton.  
Spaceballs property of... I don't really know.  
Home Alone property of some media giant.  
AOL is the trademark of America Online.  
Back Orfice was developed by the hackers of the L0PHT.  
Hewlett-Packard is a trademark of... you guessed it, Hewlett-Packard.  
Imperial Disco is a fanfic by Chuck Sonnenburg.  
"And somebody died. Of gangrene." is a trademark of Spyda. I think so,  
anyway.  
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is copyright... I dunno, anybody have  
that book?  
Half-Life property Sierra Studios and Valve, Inc.  
Scooby-Doo property of Hanna-Barbera Studios.  
South Park property of Comedy Central.  
Ben-Hur is property of Metro-Goldwin-Mayer. Plus the deceased author of the  
book.  
George of the Jungle... I can't remember who made the original cartoon.  
Spy Hard... well, all I can remember is that it starred Leslie Nielsen.

I think that's it.  
No money is being made off of this fic. It's just a spoof, after all.

**Chapter 1**

In a secret lab underneath an ordinary-looking house, in an ordinary-looking neighborhood, an experiment was about to take place.

At the sound of a crash, a boy soldering a piece of delicate electronic equipment jumped and turned around.

"Deedee! What are you doing in my laboratory?"

The girl in question walked over to a stand, where an object looking like a television remote sat. "Oooh, what does this do?"

"NO! Don't touch that!"

The girl snatched it, and took off at a run. As she was running, though, she didn't notice that she had knocked over a row of test equipment. A particularly heavy oscilloscope crashed over, hitting a big green button on another console. With a whirr of machinery, a swirling gate appeared in front of the heedless girl. She promptly ran through, followed by Dexter.

In the engineering section of the NCC-1701 E, currently near Deep Space 9, Wesley Crusher was inspecting a plasma conduit, when Deedee and Dexter appeared out of midair, landing with a thump on the deck. Geordi promptly ran over.

"Are you two all right?"

Without answering him, Deedee got up, and began running. Dexter tried to follow her, but Geordi restrained him.

"Look. What happened?"

Dexter responded. "My evil sister stole a piece of equipment that I was working on. I must get it back!"

Dexter jumped up, and ran beneath the engineer's legs. The engineer looked in surprise, as Deedee began running on the consoles with Dexter following. A second after Deedee hit a console, it exploded, blackening Dexter. She finally ran into a turbolift at the far end of the room, and the door shut in Dexter's face. When she was in the turbolift, she looked at the wall charts.

"Ooh, look at all the funny names! Hmm, what's the transporter room?"

With a whirr, the turbolift came into action, and the door opened at the transporter room. A security guard tried to stop her. "Halt! Who are you?" She immediately jumped over him, landing on the transporter control console. The confused security officer began shooting stun blasts with his phaser, knocking out the transporter technician and a few nameless ensigns.

In the meantime, Dexter and Wesley ran into another turbolift. "Bridge." The turbolift shot upwards, and Wesley introduced himself.

"My name's Wesley Crusher. I'm really interested in technology and stuff. So who are you?"

The shorter boy turned and looked up. "I am Dexter, boy genius, and I hate my stupid sister Deedee."

By the time he had finished saying this, the doors shot open, and Captain Picard walked toward them.

Dexter asked him, "Can you help me stop my evil sister? She's loose on this ship." Picard started to respond, when the alarms started blaring.

"Red alert. Red alert. Red alert."

"Oh kriff, never mind."

The command rang throughout the hundred-mile wide battlestation.

"Commence primary ignition."

There was a loud whine, which quickly dropped to subsonic frequencies. But just as a black helmeted soldier pulled back on the firing lever, the battlestation was abruptly sucked into a wormhole. It appeared on the other side, and obliterated a ring-like space station with the superlaser before anyone could react.

Kira was looking out of the Defiant's viewscreen at Deep Space Nine, which they had just undocked from. As she gazed at it, the ship's alarms rang out, and the viewscreen flashed white before shutting down. A minute later, when it came back online, all that was left where the station had been was lumps of metal and an expanding gas cloud. "NO!" She broke down, weeping, for the place she had once called home. The view switched to the thing which obliterated DS9. It was a massive, 160-kilometer space station, with a crater-like cavity in the front.

The Millennium Falcon cruised through hyperspace, toward its destination of Alderaan. The Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi, suddenly turns away and sits down, as if in shock. A blond-haired kid, who had been practicing with a lightsaber and training remote, ran forward.

"Are you all right? What's wrong?"

The old man replied. "I felt a great disturbance in the Force... as if thousands of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

He rubs his forehead, and seems to drift into a trance. "You'd better get on with your exercises."

Several hours later, Han Solo is sitting in the cockpit of the Falcon. He notices a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel.

"Looks like we're coming up on Alderaan. Stand by, Chewie."

The ship lurches violently, startling the pilot. "Cut in the sublight engines! Now!"

The mottled sky of hyperspace becomes the streaks of starlines. He looks out at a strange stellar system.

"What the...? Aw, we've come out of hyperspace in an asteroid field. It's not on any of the charts."

Luke comes running into the cockpit. "What's going on?"

The startled smuggler responds. "I have no idea where we are- we're not in any system the navicomputer has registered."

Another light flashes on the control panel. "Another ship coming in."

Luke replies. "Maybe they can tell us what happened."

Ben looks out at the small speck. "It's an Imperial fighter."


	2. Chapter 2

Dexter's Empire

Part Two

The USS Jellyco, an old Miranda refit, cruised near the planet Irregula IV. Irregula IV had been smashed by several really big asteroids millennia before, leaving it in a strange shape, from which it derived its name. The planet, if you could even call it that, consisted of two disks at right angles to each other, one with a hole in it. It looked like a sanitation fixture from 21st century Earth.

Suddenly, the main viewscreen of the Jellyco flashed to life. Captain Timothy Moronis Jones snapped to attention, completely oblivious of the drool on his sleeve. A medieval knight caught his attention.

"I am King Arthur, sent to avenge my brother whom you murdered."

Jones was taken by surprise. "What brother? The only guy I killed was some pillowhead known as Sheppard."

Arthur became enraged. "Sheppard was my brother, you flea-ridden bag of monkey shit! I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."

At his statement, a peculiar odor began wafting around on the bridge.

Ensign No User piped up, "What's that smell?"

The science officer, Corporal Elim D. Garak, in the meantime, was gasping for breath from the odor. "It... appears... to... be... emanating... from... Irregula... itself."

As soon as he said that, he collapsed to the floor. Jones hardly batted an eye.

"Transporter room, this is the captain. Beam Garak down to sickbay."

Cries of laughter were coming from the transporter room, so Jones repeated.

"I SAID BEAM GARAK DOWN!"

Suddenly, he felt himself gripped by the transporter. "What the...?" And he found himself on board the medieval ship, surrounded by rats. "Where... Where am I?" A voice boomed out from nowhere, surrounding the small room.

"You are in the dungeon of the USS Strowass."

Now Jones was getting scared. "Who- Who are you?"

The voice replied. "I am the ghost of Sheppard, come back to torment you for eternity. Now, shall we proceed with the interrogation?"

As this was said, a shadow fell upon the wall, even though the dungeon was pitch black. Suddenly, the dungeon was filled with a blood-red light, revealing the speaker. It stood over seven feet tall, in a hooded black robe, and was carrying an old-fashioned scythe from 17th century Earth. Sheppard threw back his hood, revealing two reddish-glowing eyes, floating in midair. When this happened, Jones shitted his pants. But the phantom continued forward. "You placed me in a 20th century prison, where I eventually died. I never had the chance to complete the story I was writing, Imperial Phoenix." Jones snorted. "Imperial Phoenix? What a piece of crap. My pet grasshopper could write a better story." At that comment, the phantom's eyes turned deathly cold. Timothy wanted to piss his pants, but his bladder was empty.

In an observation room in another part of the ship, three men sat around a control panel, watching a viewscreen of Timothy's dungeon. The first one turned to the second.

"Well, Hit-Man, your idea seems to be working. This is more enjoyable than I thought."

LT. Hit-Man responded by turning to the viewscreen, and turning several dials. "There. That should fix Jones."

The third one, who had been sitting quietly in the back, commented on the scene. "Well, Jones really got himself more than he bargained for, didn't he, Yates?"

Yates responded. "Sure thing, Sheppard. What should I do to him now?"

Mark Sheppard looked at the viewscreen again. "Initialize torture method Lambda-Omega-Zero. Heh, I just love those Federation holograms."


	3. Chapter 3

Dexter's Empire

Part Three

A 160 meter long, spoon-shaped ship was meandering through the Delta Quadrant. As usual, it was not minding its own business. All of a sudden, fifteen Borg cubes emerged from transwarp, chased by several Species 8472 bioships, plus a few Ferengi ships that got mixed up in the mess. As Captain Janeway of the USS Voyager watched, one of the Ferengi ships was assimilated by a Borg cube, when then promptly exploded from a hit by one of the bioships.

"We've got to save those Ferengi! Paris, get the Delta Flyer ready. Seven, meet me in the shuttlebay."

A nameless ensign piped up. "But what are you doing? The Delta Flyer is only a shuttle, and you're taking it against fifteen cubes and those bioships?"

Janeway glared at him, and a console behind him exploded, taking him out of his misery forever. Or so it looked. A Borg drone promptly beamed aboard, and injected the hapless ensign with nanoprobes. Both then beamed back to the cube.

The Delta Flyer left the shuttlebay, only to fly straight into a Ferengi ship that was attempting to dock with Voyager. Miraculously, the shuttle was undamaged while the Ferengi ship suffered a massive hull breach. With Janeway off the Voyager, Neelix took the helm, promptly engaging the Voyager's warp drive as a blast from a Borg cube shot through the space where it had been.

Oddly enough, a ship looking like a 4x4 with a boat strapped to the roof appeared next to Borg cube #13. The cube tractored it in, and all was quiet. Five minutes later, the ship shot out of the cube at speeds close to C, and promptly headed for a Species 8472 bioship.

The USS Jellyco drifted aimlessly through space, as Captain Timothy had been captured. Helmsman Jaul Pacques let out a bloodcurdling scream for no apparent reason.

On the medieval ship, Mark Sheppard watched the viewscreen as the small lifesign indicator in the corner turned to a straight line. Finally, Timothy was dead. Or was he? He pushed a button on the console, and Timothy's body vanished in a cloud of plasma.

There was a flash of light on the planet Irregula IV. A swarm of atoms came together and coalesced into a body. The newly recreated body vanished in the mists of a transporter, and appeared in a large, black chamber that didn't exist. A man in a chartreuse Starfleet uniform floated, cross-legged, over the prostrate body of Jones. He snapped his fingers.

A battle was raging around the ten remaining Borg cubes. The Delta Flyer had docked with one of the Ferengi ships. Janeway offered to rescue them, and then killed them when they refused. But as the Flyer undocked, the Jellyco appeared behind it and turned it into a hood ornament. Seven injected nanoprobes into the hull, melting it and gaining access to the Jellyco's bridge. Janeway indignantly tripped and fell onto Elim, waking him up with a shock. He raised his head, only to smash it into the captain's hindquarters.

A gate appeared behind the group, and two plumbers stepped out, one with a green hat and the other with a red hat. Both were carrying strange-looking guns, and one had fancy boots. They took one look at Elim and fired, degenerating him into a chimpanzee. But as the guy with the green hat stopped firing, the beam swept across Janeway. Even though it only fired for a fraction of a second, it was enough to turn Janeway into a Neanderthal. She promptly pulled a wooden club out of nowhere, and began smashing in every console on the Jellyco. Mario turned to the other plumber.

"Luigi, can't you ever watch where you fire that thing? Look what you've done." He aimed at Janeway, attempting to reverse the degenerative process. But that was not to be. All of a sudden, Q appeared in front of the gun and took the blast. He morphed into a monkey for a second, and then turned into "Super Q."


	4. Chapter 4

Dexter's Empire

Part Four

Near where Deep Space Nine used to be, a dozen Borg cubes appeared, followed by the Species 8472 bioships, Voyager, and the Jellyco. The ensign manning the Enterprise's scanner console looked in surprise at the two lost Federation ships before the console exploded in his face.

In the Enterprise's transporter room, Deedee was still running loose, followed by Dexter. But as she touched one of the transporter pads, she immediately vanished in the mists, followed by Dexter.

They appeared on board the Voyager. Deedee, waiting for Dexter, pointed the remote-like device at Neelix and pushed the big red button. A bolt that looked like lightning shot out, and Neelix promptly turned into a frog.

Suddenly, the Voyager lurched. It had been caught in the Death Star's tractor beam.

In Death Star fighter bay #1154, a telephone booth appears, and two men step out. One guy runs towards a parked row of TIE fighters, chucking little parcels. The first TIEs explode violently, while in the meantime, Darth Vader approaches the Doctor, who then jumps in the phone booth. "Ace! No time to blow things up! Come on, let's get out of here!" He then jumps into the phone booth and it vanishes.

By this time, the Voyager was inside the Death Star's hangar bay. The main ramp opened up, and Chakotay came out, with a screen of ensigns around him. A legion of 3PO protocol droids marched in, and clumsily opened fire. The ensigns returned fire, cutting down the protocol droids with ease. Oddly enough, the droids were not phased out of the continuum, but instead fell apart. Hordes of Ugnaughts promptly came in, gathering up the pieces.

The stormtroopers had enough warning, and so brought in several E-webs, which cut down any and all ensigns in the vicinity. Chakotay called back. "Janeway, this is Chakotay. I'm out of ensigns. Can you demote some lieutenants and send them out here?" The frog that was Neelix responded. "Ribbet. Ribbet. Ribbet." At that point, Q cut in. "Um... it means to say that the ensigns are on their way." "Uh... Ok, thanks."

Twelve more ensigns run down Voyager's ramp, only to run straight into the muzzle of an E-web.

About the same time, Han and Luke were rescuing Leia. They come running around the corner, to where they left the Falcon. Except that the Voyager was sitting where the Falcon used to be. So they dash out toward it, and Threepio gets hit in the chest by a phaser blast. "Oh my! I've been shot!" Artoo twitters something, then starts dragging Threepio towards the ship.

On the Voyager, a crisis was raging in Ten Forward. Bowls of leola root stew go flying across the room, as Dexter and Deedee battle it out. Neelix the frog jumps across, trying to get to shelter, and an inverted bowl lands on it.

Deedee remembers the little remote, and points it at Dexter. As she hits the Big Red Button, Janeway appears directly in front, with Q floating off to the side. The blast hits Janeway, and she turns into a mule, heading off toward the kitchen in search of fresh coffee beans.

Timothy M. Jones re-materializes on the bridge of the Jellyco. Looking around him, he sees that most of the crew is gone. Summoning his powers of illogic, he concentrates and a new crop of ensigns appear on the bridge, still on the cob. The corny ensigns then move to take positions at their respective consoles, which they discover smashed in.


	5. Chapter 5

Dexter's Empire

Part Five

On the Jellyco, Timothy is sitting in his toilet-shaped command chair, with Seven, who got left on board by Q, struggling at the end of a leash, inside a force field.

"JONES! LET ME GO!"

"Never. You will soon learn to appreciate me."

At that comment, one of the ensigns faints, even though it's impossible for a corn stalk to faint. Suddenly, a deep, haunting baritone voice, with a heavy British accent, booms out of everywhere and nowhere at once.

"Jones, your time of judgement is at hand. Repent, or LT. Hit-Man will torture you for eternity."

Timothy, who somehow got a tinfoil hat, sneered. "And who are you?"

One of the ensigns volunteers. "God?"

Another responds. "No, something else. Maybe... Roddenberry? Gene, is that you?"

The disembodied voice replies. "No to both of you. It is I, the author, who is subjecting you to this random lunacy."

Jones got his donkey-shit eating grin on his face. "So you are just a puny mortal."

The voice boomed back. "Nay, I wield the full power of the author. I can subject you to any torture I desire. All things in this fan fiction are controlled by me, including Q."

Timothy sneered back again, completely unaware of the frilly pink ballet dress he was suddenly wearing. "Prove it."

The voice boomed, louder than before. "Pray why do I have to prove it? As you speak, I am manipulating your words. I am thinking about what you will say in response to me."

Timothy put his snot-covered fingers in his ears and began humming the Barney theme song loudly. "I love you, you love me, we're one big.." But before he could finish, a giant, ten foot-long mosquito appeared out of thin air and ate him somehow, then vanished just as quickly.

Several ensigns breathed a sigh of relief, but were immediately killed by exploding consoles, even though all the consoles were dead, both figuratively and literally.

Meanwhile, strange things were happening on the Death Star. The Constitution-class USS Enterprise appeared inside one of the hangar bays, beamed a gigantic pile of little furballs onto the deck, then disappeared. Another ship, this one having a spherical bow, a long, triangular framework in the middle, and large stern with three ion engines, appeared. The Death Star locked tractor beams on the derelict Discovery and pulled it into another hangar bay.

Darth Vader walked into the Emperor's private chamber, stroking a Tribble. The Emperor concentrated for a second, then spoke.

"So. Your thoughts betray you. Are you sure that your mind is clear on the subject?"

Vader responded. "Yes, I am sure. It has a calming, soothing effect... something that I have not felt for years, my master."

"Give into your anger! Strike it down!"

"I can not do that, my master."

The PA system of the Death Star, unused for years, crackled to life with a calm male voice. "Dave? Dave, I'm terribly sorry. Do you want me to sing you a song?" A burst of static interrupted things. "That's one small step for man, one giant..." Another burst of static fuzz interrupted, then things straightened out. A female, computer-generated voice beeped, then spoke. "Planet: Death Star. Ambient temperature: 68 degrees. All systems nominal." A different voice, one that sounded low and slurred, yelled. "STOP POKING ME!"

In Ten Forward, the battle was still raging. Dexter and Deedee were fighting over the remote. Deedee managed to turn Dexter into a kitten, but then Dexter ran toward the remote, turning Deedee into a greyhound. She swiped it back, and zapped Dexter into a cheetah. Dexter then began chasing her, and Chewie unfortunately stuck his head in the door at that moment and bellowed. The two animals ran straight toward him, knocking him over as they tore out of the room.

The two reached the bridge of Voyager, but just before they entered, Dexter turned Deedee into a Rancor. He then ran in fright onto the bridge, followed by Deedee.

An ensign quipped, "Rancor on the bridge" before the rancor ate him.

Another looked at him. "What's a Rancor- OH SHIT, never mind!" That ensign got eaten just as quickly as the first.

Finally, the rancor bellowed. "Honeycombs! Honeycombs! Me want Honeycombs!"

Outside the Voyager, a giant field of Honeycombs appeared, and the Voyager flew straight into it. Han, who was sitting at the controls, took evasive action to avoid the gigantic Honeycombs, swirling about thicker than hearty split-pea soup. The TIE fighters tried to match it, but eventually all of them crashed into the speeding Honeycombs. Finally, Han took the ship deep into one of the larger Honeycombs. Leia shouted at him. "You're not going deeper into the field, are you?" Threepio, partly pieced together by Artoo, wailed. "Oh no! We're doomed!"

A large fleet of Star Destroyers waited outside the cereal field. Darth Vader, on the Executor, turned to Admiral Piett. "Honeycombs do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship alive." "Yes, Lord Vader."

The Star Destroyers moved into the field of cereal, their turbolaser batteries shooting left and right at the Honeycombs, which rained down on the force of ships. One unlucky ship's bridge got taken off by a speeding lump of cereal, and went spinning out of control into a convenient black hole.


	6. Chapter 6

Dexter's Empire

Part Six

It was a beautiful morning in 1985 Hill Valley, California, when Marty walked out to the garage. There was a flash like a burst of lightning, and a silvery DeLorean pulled up in the driveway. A man wearing a white lab coat, with frizzled white hair, opened one of the DeLorean's gull-wing doors and stepped out. He immediately walked over to a garbage can, pulled out a couple half-empty beer cans, and dumped them in a cylindrical chamber that resided where the car's engine should be.

"Come on, Marty, there's no time for that. Get in the car!"

"But Doc, what about Jennifer?"

"She'll come along."

They get in the car, and it pulls out.

"Doc, I don't think we have enough road to reach 88 miles per hour."

"Where we're going, we don't need roads."

Biff Tannen walks out the front door, just in time to see the DeLorean take off, and vanish in a burst of fire.

"A flying DeLorean...?"

Hill Valley, 2015 AD

There is another burst of light on the skyway, and a DeLorean shoots along it, coming out in the middle of a thunderstorm. It's a little too high, and a bolt of lightning strikes it, making it vanish.

Deep in space, a gigantic Honeycomb floats in the center of a field of Honeycombs. The Federation starship Voyager heads toward it, intent on landing and repairing its damage. It shoots in toward the center hole, and disappears.

TIE Bombers strafe the honeycomb with concussion milk bombs, the sweet liquid gradually eroding holes in the giant lump of cereal. Nearby, the Super Star Destroyer Executor flies along, blasting Honeycombs with water cannon. Darth Vader steps forward, as he watches a smaller Honeycomb being tractored into the massive hangar bay. "Got milk?" Captain Needa responds. "No sir. The ship has gone into one of the larger lumps of cereal, and we are trying to find it." Vader breathes for a minute, to Needa's discomfort. "I am not concerned with the ship. I want Honeycombs, and are you telling me that there is no milk on board this ship?" "Er... yes, sir. All supplies of milk were rationed when the Rebels took Ukio." "Very well, then." Vader then begins Force-choking the unfortunate captain, who clutches his throat. "Why are you... akk... doing this... gasp... I can't... ack... do a thing... gasp... about it..." (thump) "Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

Deep in the center of the giant Honeycomb, a swirl of light appears, and a giant mosquito flies through. The mosquito retches, even though it's an insect, leaving a shapeless lump on the ground. It then disappears again in a swirl of light. Several minute later, the lump gathers itself up, becoming a humanoid form. It stands erect, shaking off the larvae attached to it, and the face is somewhat recognizable. It is Jones.

The Voyager lands, somewhere near where Jones was regurgitated. Everyone scrambles to avoid the Rancor, who runs out the main hatch and begins gorging on cereal.

Han Solo walks toward Voyager's engineering section, trying to see what is wrong with the hyperdrive. When he gets there, he starts walking around trying to find it, when the ship lurches. He draws his pistol and runs out the main ramp, only to see Jones sucking on the hull. But before he can shoot, Jones runs at him like a lunatic, intent on killing him. A roar reverberates throughout the cavern.

"GOT MILK?" It is the Rancor, mouth full of cookie crumbs. The ponderous beast walks toward Jones, who looks up in fright and starts backing away. "GIVE ME MILK!"

Jones stammers, "B-b-but I don't have a-a-any!" Still, the Rancor continues, sweeping Jones up and biting his head off. It pauses, spits the head out, and eats the rest of Jones, then proceeds to lick its fingers.

Somewhere in the Delta Quadrant, a small, one-person runabout, shaped like a Dodge Viper, is meandering hopelessly. In pursuit is a Borg Cube, intent on assimilating the runabout. The lone occupant, a certain Sean Collins, gets a suicidal look on his face, just as the runabout is seized in a tractor beam. Just as he is about to hit the button marked "Self Destruct," a Borg baby beams onto his lap, and presses the button marked "Turbo." All of a sudden, the Viper lurches forward, heading straight for the cube. The cube slowly draws it in, and a voice floats over the comm. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." As the nanoprobes began to course through Sean's system, he finally realized how foolish it was to attack the ISD Domination.

On board the Jellyco, another swirl of light appears, and Darth Jacques steps through. What he misses is the band of Ewoks following him. Suddenly, a crude net appears in front of him, with a Britney Spears CD in the center. He greedily lunges for it, only to get stuck in the net. Somehow, the Ewoks get him down, tie him to a log, and carry him to the captain's chair, where they are busy building a bonfire. "What are you doing with me? I am Darth Jacques. You can't harm... AHHHH!" The fire slowly burns through his thick troll's skin, subjecting him to intense pain.

Several hours later, he was still alive and screaming, as the Ewoks burned more of Timothy's magazines and calculations. The ensigns were all standing around him, cheering and placing bets as to how long he would last. One of them, oddly enough named Sean P. Collins, trips on a stray Tribble, and falls onto the roasting troll. The Ewoks cover their eyes, as the ensign's dying screams resound throughout the ship.

In the Jellyco's hold, almost a hundred cloning chambers sat. Most of them were devoted to cloning the Dark Prince himself, while several were reserved for Elim, Paul, and other minor trolls. Nutrient frames were scattered throughout the hold, with ysalamiri projecting their Force-empty bubbles over the clones. Several tanks opened, and miniature clones of Jones stepped out, awakened by the cries of Paul. But the clones did not have long to live, as the DeLorean appeared on top of them, crushing the clones and smashing several tanks.


	7. Chapter 7

Dexter's Empire

Part Seven

A tiny starfighter floated in intergalactic space, near a small star system. It had a body similar to, but slightly longer than an X-wing, and solar panels similar to a TIE Interceptor.

In front of the starfighter, a man in an oxygen suit appeared, with a Radio Shack TRS-80 computer next to him. He looked at the starfighter in surprise, as a voice rang out inside his head. "I have summoned you here, on charges of being a Trek fan while writing Wars books. All of your books have been filled with Trekkie errors, bad plots, and other disgusting things. I hereby challenge you to a TGOD."

Kevin J. Anderson spoke up. "What's a TGOD?"

"A TGOD stands for The Good Old Days. It is where you get to kill the opponent in creative ways. I have challenged you to one in this fanfic, since you are not present in my newsgroup."

The author got a smile on his face. "As long as this is a fair fight, I accept."

"It will be a fair fight. Q is not allowed, and neither is time travel." Kevin got a grin on his face, and began typing on his TRS-80.

One minute later, Kevin was comfortably sitting in the pilot's chair of the Sun Crusher, with Kyp Durron next to him. "Well, Kyp, show this usurper the power of the Dark Side." Kyp reached out with the Force, and swatted the H-wing away with a blink of his eye.

Crayz9000 sat in the cockpit of the tumbling H-wing. He opened a comm channel to the Sun Crusher. "Old fool. Only now, at the end, do you realize the power of the Far Side."

Suddenly, the Sun Crusher became the Titanic, and rammed a comet. Screams erupted from the doomed ship, as suicidal people jumped into the icy waters that oddly appeared around it. On the Titanic's bridge, Kate Winslet jumped into Kyp's arms.

Kyp looked at her for a second, then shouted at Kevin, "Well kriff you. You never gave me anything like this, you selfish prick!" He then jumped out, with Kate Winslet still in his arms. A very, very pissed Leonardo Di Caprio stood on the railing of the ship, and jumped after him, hitting a lifeboat with William Jefferson Clinton's great-grandfather on board. Needless to say, the boat sank.

Kevin looked around him, his eyes coming to rest on the TRS-80 bolted to the tiller. He shouted, "I can do better," and ran over, madly typing away. An Eclipse-class Star Destroyer appeared behind the H-wing, while a Lambda-class shuttle came and took him off the sinking ship. The Eclipse opened fire on the H-wing, obliterating it in a burst of plasma, while Kevin traveled safely to the Eclipse, and jumped into hyperspace once he was aboard.

Following closely behind the Eclipse, below the ion wash from its engines, was a man in spacetrooper armor. He fired his thrusters, coming close to a convenient boarding hatch. As the bounty hunter punched in the override codes, the airlock shot open, letting him in. He pulled off the spacetrooper armor, revealing the HEV suit he wore underneath, and looked around him. He was in the engine room, with hundreds of droids surrounding him. The bounty hunter then walked over to a data terminal, extended the data probe built-in to his suit, and downloaded a floor plan for the ship. He then powered up his E-web, and made off for a maintenance duct leading to the bridge.

Kevin watched Crayz9000 making his way toward the bridge on the battle bridge's main viewscreen. As the Eclipse was in hyperspace, he flicked a single switch, and the bridge detached, leaving the bounty hunter to float through hyperspace forever.

Meanwhile, the real bounty hunter stood laughing, directly below Kevin's seat, in a stormtrooper ready room. Kevin had just eliminated a hologram of him. Crayz9000 carefully bored a small hole in the soundproof ceiling, placed several sequencer charges into it, then set the timer and ran. One minute later, Kevin was sitting, gloating, when the sequencers went off. His world turned into a flash of light, then it was no more. The timers on the hyperdrive went off, bringing the mighty warship out of hyperspace. By that time, Crayz9000 had made his way down to the fighter deck, where he stole a TIE Defender, and programmed several droid-equipped TIE Defenders to follow him.

Just as the timers on the sequencers went off, Kevin disappeared in the mists of a transporter, and reappeared on the bridge of a Romulan warbird. He watched as the mighty Eclipse went careening into the Maw, and several TIEs shot out from its forward hangar bay, and proceeded to begin attacking him. The warbird slowly picked off the droid fighters, leaving only one, which was dodging all of the shots.

In his hijacked Defender, Crayz9000 watched as several ships shot out of hyperspace. In the lead was a Federation Sovereign, which headed for the system's G-type star and began dumping crates of beer into it. The ships pursuing it were the Fearmeister, Cleaners 2 through 5, and his primary H-wing, running under the control of his R2 unit.

As he accelerated toward it to dock, a call came from the Fearmeister. "This is LT. Hit-Man. There is a forty thousand credit bounty on Chris's head. I want him alive, or else."

Shortly, the bounty hunter was in the cockpit of his H-wing. He then programmed the Defender to make its way to a rendezvous point in the middle of nowhere.

Kevin smirked. "Do you expect me to fall for that trick?" The warbird promptly vaporized the TIE, but still could not get a lock onto the H-wing. As Anderson heard the call from Hit-man, he typed several more lines into his TRS-80.

A beaten-up old freighter, the Lightning Rod, came out of hyperspace behind Crayz9000's ship. Zekk opened a comm channel to it. "Chris is MY bounty, and you're getting in my way! Now either get out of my way or fight, according to the Bounty Hunter's Creed!"

In the cockpit, Crayz9000 heard the warning. "Wait a sec- I'm the author here!" With a glance, Zekk's ship suffered a engine meltdown, and the hyperdrive exploded. "Hey thanks, Kevin. Now I can detonate hyperdrives just like warp cores!"

An indignant reply came over the comm system, but he just ignored it and continued. This time, he was determined to torture Kevin. Suddenly, the Romulan ship became covered in glowing orange slime. A gigantic, green-glowing chicken with a radioactive symbol on its chest appeared in front of the warbird. The Romulan ship tried to fire, but all of its disrupters were blocked with the orange ooze. Finally, the chicken began pecking at the almost mile-long ship, knocking holes in bulkheads all over the place. The derelict ship then careened into the Maw, but an escape pod shot out of it. With another thought, Crayz9000 summoned the Jellyco from the Alpha Quadrant, and the escape pod smashed into the larger ship's main docking port.


	8. Chapter 8

Dexter's Empire

Part Eight

"What do you mean, this thing doesn't have a hyperdrive?" Han Solo stood in the Voyager's Engineering section, staring at the big glassy tube marked "Warp Core."

Chewie barked a reply, and Han stared at the damn thing. Just then, Chakotay walked forward. "Um, sir, we have something called a 'quantum slipstream drive,' but we can't seem to get it to work."

"Well don't just stand there, show me!" Chakotay walked over toward it, and gestured to the drive.

"Well, it looks like the case of an early T-900 hyperdrive, but where's the drive?"

Chakotay staggered back. "What drive? I thought that was the drive!"

"No, you half-witted... stuck-up... scruffy-looking... nerf herder!" Leia walked forward, presenting her middle finger to a startled Chakotay. She then gave Han a big kiss. "Um... oops, I was supposed to do that later on. Oh well, it doesn't matter."

Han, after he recovered, walked off to see what he could do with the drive. As he reached a console, it explodes, and he rolls backwards, barely scarred. "Ok. THAT'S IT! You-" He kicks the warp core, much to the discomfort of Chakotay. "worthless-" WHAM! "piece-" BANG! "of-" SLAM! "JUNK!" SMASH! He then storms away toward the shuttlebay, followed by Chewie, Leia, and Luke.

Luke dashes toward a normal shuttle, while the rest of them jump in the Delta Flyer II, and begin the take-off sequence.

Tom Paris runs forward, waving his arms. "HEY! THAT'S MY SHIP!" Just as he's a foot away from the hatch, it slams shut and a blast of plasma bursts out of the warp coils, taking off his legs.

Outside Voyager, in the Honeycomb cave, Dexter was still running from Deedee, and he quickly ducked into an escape pod, with the Rancor jamming its head in after him, but unable to touch him. He jostles the remote, turning Deedee into a Space Slug, who falls into a crack of the lump of cereal as the escape pod jettisons.

The Delta Flyer II shoots out of the shuttlebay, with Han and friends on board. As soon as it clears Voyager's shields, the Intrepid's warp core detonates, killing Janeway, Neelix, and the rest of the junior-class lieutenants on board. Fed by the explosion, the Deedee slug rapidly expands to enclose the shuttle. "The cave is expand- no, it's collapsing!"

Leia, panicked, looks out of the DF2's forward viewport, while Han sits next to her, a calm, determined look on his face. "This is no cave."

"What!"

Just then, various golden protocol droid parts go floating past the shuttle. "Hey, look, it's Threepio!"

"I got him. Well, he's in the cargo bay airlock. Chewie?" Han looks at the giant Wookiee, who moans a response and picks up Threepio's torso and head, placing the head on.

"Oh! Artoo! Why did you leave- no no no, OH MY! The warp core's detonating!" Chewie looks at the droid, and twists several knobs, then reactivates the droid.

"Well, something's wrong- I can't see!" Chewie presses several more buttons, then Threepio speaks again.

"Well. That's much better. Oh no, you big furry oaf! You put my head on backwards!"

Outside the Honeycomb, the Imperial Fleet is waiting. The giant Honeycomb splits in two, a la Armageddon, and barely misses the Death Star. The Deedee Slug goes shooting out, and swallows the Executor minutes after Darth Vader leaves it. On the bridge of the seventeen-kilometer long ship, Admiral Piett stares at the giant gullet when a lieutenant yells, "Sir! The main deflector shields are down."

"Intensify the forward batteries! I don't want anything getting through! Intensify-!" Just then, the largest of the slug's teeth slams into the bridge, killing off everyone.

On the planet Earth, a man was sitting in front of a computer screen when something possessed him. He stretched, sat up, and spoke. "I am Trekboy02. Nobody will convert me! I am invincible-" At that moment, the door burst open, and a blast from a shotgun blew Trekboy's head off. The man who fired then spoke.

"My name's Duke Nukem. I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... but I'm all out of gum."

Kevin J. Anderson crawled out of the emergency hatch on the pod, and fell onto the bridge floor of the Jellyco, retching from the smoke in the air. He raised his head, only to see Timothy M. Jones standing over the crushed and blackened remains of Darth Jacques. Dead Ewoks were scattered around the bridge, along with withered corn stalks who were once ensigns. At the other end of the bridge, another hole gaped where the Delta Flyer had smashed into the Jellyco. When Anderson saw all this, he retched again. His head began pounding very hard from the immense bozon fields radiating from the Dark Prince, and after several minutes of thinking he had a migraine, his head exploded, spraying bullshit all over the bridge.

The ship shaped like a 4x4 came to dock against the hull of the Jellyco. A khaki-wearing Aussie jumps out, and stands up inside the Jellyco. "G'day, mate! I'm Steve Irwin, and this is my wife Terri."

The woman crawls out, and stands next to him. "Hello! Today, we'll be hunting the most elusive species in the universe- the troll, and -"

Steve climbs up a convenient ladder, and places his ear on the ceiling. "Shh- we don't want to alert them."

Several feet in front of them, the ceiling cracks and Timothy jumps through, transforming rapidly into his supertroll mode. The troll prince then lunges at Steve, who ducks and rolls out of the way. "Croikey! You're all right, mate, you're all right!" The troll prince growls, and swipes his foot-long claws at the Aussie, who begins running for his life. The troll then stomps away, transforming into plain old Captain Timothy. "Whew! That was scary. Absolutely beaut' animal- did you see those claws? By the looks of it, that's the Prince 'imself!"

In the main hangar bay of the Death Star, a bright orange Dodge Charger with a Confederate flag painted on the roof appears out of nowhere.

Suddenly, music begins playing over the Death Star's PA system.

"Just some good old boys,"

"Never meaning no harm,"

"In all and that's in all,"

"just in trouble with the law,"

"since the day they was born."

"Just some good old boys,"

"Never meaning no harm,"

"In all and that's in all,"

"just in trouble with the law,"

"since the day they was born."

The Charger flies over several rows of parked TIE fighters, and the driver yells. "Yee-haw! Hey Daisy, you got your ears on?" He waits a second, and then a beaten-up Ford pickup, followed by a Jeep CJ-5 and a Dodge patrol car, appear behind it. "You got that, cousin!"

In the driver's seat of the patrol car, a police officer is sitting, with a bloodhound staring at him, and chuckling. The officer looks at the dog for a second. "Wait, that's what I'm supposed to do." He then begins chuckling, but stops as he sees the General Lee launch off a dirt ramp which appeared out of nowhere. He jams on the brakes, but it's too late, and the patrol car shoots into a convenient duck pond.

In the Emperor's private quarters, several ducks waddle forward, quacking. The Emperor's chair slowly turns around, and the Feared One steps forward, chuckling. "Well, looks like I have dinner!" He begins shooting the unfortunate ducks with blasts of lightning, slowly cooking them from the inside out. When they seem to be done, he steps forward to claim his prize, and unexpectedly trips on a fishing line strung across his path. Stumbling, he runs into a sheet of Saran Wrap covered in Super Glue, and finally falls down the stairs, landing on the roasted ducks.

Just then, the turbolift hisses open, revealing the fearsome visage of the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Vader steps forward, staring at the... odd-looking Emperor. "What in the name of the Sith has befallen you, my lord?"

The indignant Emperor replies, his voice quickly rising to a scream. "WHAT THE KRIFF DOES IT LOOK LIKE? I GOT TARRED AND FEATHERED!"

Vader then speaks. "Who has done this! I will personally rip out his fingernails."

Luke slowly steps out of the shadows. "You can never bring yourself to do that. I feel the conflict within you! Let go of your anger!" The two whip out their lightsabers, and begin battling each other.

Vader hisses fearsomely at Luke. "So. Your thoughts betray you... Sister. You love... your sister Leia?"

Luke lunges forward, and begins hitting Vader with fierce blows. "NO!"

"Whoa son, I was just kidding. I meant Seven of Nine." Luke pauses to regard his cyborg father, and the Emperor slowly advances. "So. The secret is revealed. Now let it be known that I am Annika's father!"

Luke stares at the Emperor, shocked. "No. It can't be. NO!"

"Yes. It is your destiny!" The Emperor keeps chuckling, and advances. "Young fool. Only now, at the end, do you realize that you will never marry my daughter."

Luke collapses from shock, and the Emperor begins blasting him with lightning. "And now, you will die."

The blasts, already intense, increase in intensity, and Luke writhes in agony. "Father! Help! Please!" As Vader steps forward to pick up the Emperor, Data runs, scoops up the screaming Emperor, and dumps him down a convenient shaft.

Vader looks up, surprised. "What? I was supposed to do that!" Data, somewhat damaged, looks at Vader. "Well, I kept you from dying. Come on, say 'Thank You,' Anakin."


	9. Chapter 9

Dexter's Empire

Part Nine

A majestic, seventeen-kilometer long battleship floated through deep space. As it was the Executor-class Star Destroyer _Strowbridge,_ it was equipped with top-of-the-line killfilters instead of the standard shield generators. Soon, though, they would be put to the test.

On the bridge, Admiral Mark Sheppard watched as a giant fleet of troll battleships dropped out of transwarp, and led by the USS Jellyco. "Prepare to engage the enemy."

Just as he said that, an ensign spoke up. "Sir, I thought that you killed Tim-" He was cut short by a blast from Corporal Anton Polinga's blaster rifle, which sliced the unfortunate ensign in two. As that happened, a riot erupted on the bridge. Food began flying all over the bridge, and a bowl of leola root stew hit Lieutenant Transcend full in the face. But as the battle was at its peak, the door hissed open, and two shadows, one small and one huge, fell across the combatants. Anton looked up slowly, first sweeping across a pair of size 12 feet, then gradually the owner of the feet was revealed, a veritable walking mountain. It was Security Chief Rob Dalton.

From his vantage point in front of the Jellyco's main viewscreen, Timothy Jones watched the battle. Oddly enough, the Strowbridge had not opened fire on any of his ships. Timothy figured that his agents must have been doing their jobs. "All ships, open fire with spam cannons. Maximum firepower!" As he said that, though, a turd thrown by a resident gorilla went flying across the space where his head had been. As he ducked to avoid it, his head went rolling across the bridge, and he walked over, picked it up, and placed it back on as another turd hit him square in the back of the head.

Back on the Strowbridge, Corporal Anton was struggling under the crushing weight of the Daltonator. "AMMhPT!" *fart* *fart* "UMURMFTT!" Just as Anton was almost suffocated, though, a Galaxy-class ship went flying by the bridge windows, and caught Dalton's attention. "The USS E1701, huh? Doomriser, is that you? If it is..." The unfortunate ensign took off at a run. "Sorry, Dalton, I've got to finish Fist of the blazing Wormhole honor-bound without death, right now."

"DOOMRISER!" But Dalton was too slow to catch up with the quick ensign, and instead a bounty hunter that had found his way onto the bridge grabbed at one of Doomriser's heels, tripping him flat across the deck. Presently, the Daltonator came walking up, and proceeded to sit down on Doomriser. "Now, Doomriser, either give me the codes that will deactivate E1701, or be crushed under my weight."

"Never! Let me go!"

As Doomriser was suffocating, Sonn walked in. "And Doomriser died. Of gangrene."

A warning shout came across the bridge from another unfortunate ensign. "Sir! The enemy has opened fire on us with maximum fire spam-cannons! Killfilters down to 2% effectiveness!" As soon as he finished saying that, the shield control console exploded, blasting his head off.

Sheppard sighed. "Well, at least we have 37,000 ensigns left over. Ensign Mike Griffiths, I want you to take over. Randomize the killfilter frequencies."

The ensign hesitated, and replied to Sheppard. "Sir, by my calculations I should not be able to randomize the frequencies at all."

"Well, to hell with your calcs! Randomize the killfilters!" As the bridge killfilters were down, a blast of spam slammed into it, knocking anyone who was standing over.

Just then, a massive dick-shaped ship went flying past the Strowbridge, and straight into the enemy fleet. On board the USS _Wet Dreams_, Jedi Anger was struggling with a bunch of psychotic gorillas who were trying their best to hump food synthesizer units.

"Ergh! Get off, you big ape!"

"Ooh-ooh-aah-aah!"

The Wet Dreams cruised along, but when it got near the Jellyco, it suddenly and inexplicably shrank to the size of a light freighter, and it became the Jellyco's new hood ornament, just below the Delta Flyer. Jedi Anger was still on board, and still struggling with the now densely-packed gorillas. Finally, the pressure on the Wet Dreams' hull was too much, and the mass of gorillas burst through to the Jellyco's bridge.

Finally, an ensign on the Strowbridge was able to randomize the killfilters, and gradually the spam cannons of the trolls started to lose their effectiveness. Back on the bridge of the Jellyco, a struggling Captain Timothy squeaked out one last command before he died from being the target of several sexually frustrated gorillas. "Deploy -ack- the main -urf- weapon..."

At once, Darth Jacques sent a transmission to the Strowbridge.

On the bridge of the Strowbridge, a Borg drone that had been dancing for no particular reason straightened up as he received a transmission. It set out at a run for the hangar bay, and boarded a shuttle, heading over to a certain part of the galaxy. After leaving a message in that sector, Weyoun headed back, and made his way back to the bridge. Upon his arrival, Dalton accosted him. "Well, well, well, where have you been?"

"Now here. i was in hte cafeteria getting stoned."

"Oh. Ok, move along. And don't get stoned here."

But as Dalton finished saying that, another ship burst into view in front of the Strowbridge. Its nameplate bore the name Cock Rocket, and as soon as it was within firing range, it opened fire on the Strowbridge with a gigantic can of spray paint. The bridge windows soon choked up with things like "Pablo Sanchez sucks c***!," "I am a master Hax0r extreme, and soon I will own this ship!"

Deep in the cargo hold of the Strowbridge, two slicers sat around a viewscreen, watching the antics of this Cock Rocket. After a while, one, known as Cybernetic Crow, spoke up.

"Well, Phong, what should we do this guy? I think that it would be kind of humiliating for him if we sent him Back Orifice." The other slicer, Phong Nguyen, replied. "Naah, that's too advanced, even for him. What's he running?"

The first slicer replied. "America Online on top on Windows 95."

"AOL, huh? Oh, that's just great. Crow, I'm going to get the Cleaners together for an assault on AOL HQ. You just stay here and hold this idiot at bay."

"Ok, no problem, Phong."

In the hangar bay of the Strowbridge, LT. Hit-Man was gathering the Cleaners together. "Ok, listen up Cleaners. This is going to be a direct assault on AOL headquarters. A commando strike by us should immobilize their framework enough that half the trolls around here will dissipate. I will be taking the Fearmeister. Anyone who doesn't want to come, raise your hand."

They all looked uncomfortable, but nobody raised their hand... except for an ensign who, busy scrubbing the walls with a toothbrush, didn't notice that his hand was raised. At once, the LT. walked over to him, inspecting the name badge he wore. "Well. Chris O'Farrel." Hit-Man switched on his forehead laser sight, planting it square between the unlucky ensign's eyes. "As I recall, you attempted to steal the Fearmeister not too long ago. You then proceeded to mess up the paint job on several of the Corvettes, namely Cleaner 5. Then, to add insult to injury, YOU STOLE OUR BEER!"

By now, Chris was quaking under the fury of Hit-Man, who started to evilly grin. "Well, first I'll just have you lick the hull of the Strowbridge clean. And it had better be done by the time I get back from kicking the ass of AOL, or you'll be even sorrier."

The Fearmeister lifted out of the hangar bay quietly, and began to streak by the Cock Rocket. A blast of paint lanced out of the Cock Rocket, striking the Fearmeister directly on the wings. Hit-Man ignored it, knowing that his attacks were useless on the trollship, and made the jump to hyperspace.

Five hours later...

Chris O'Farrell looked at the hull of the Strowbridge with disgust. He had licked all but five square meters of it clean, and was about to retch from the space boogers. As he looked at it, he remembered for the umpteenth time how little protected he was. He was only wearing a vacuum suit, minus the helmet, and had a magnetic atmosphere containment field generator strapped to his belt. As he grudgingly began to finish the job, a modified TIE Phantom came blasting over his head, shaking him badly. He shook his fist at the Phantom, which then came around and blasted his arm off. Just then, his comm buzzed, and Kyle's voice came over it. "I don't care about your arm. Just finish the job!" Gritting his teeth, he pressed a button on his suit and beamed up to the Sovereign-class USS Insult II, NCC 70456-A.

Deep in AOL Headquarters, LT. Hit-Man, Dalton, and Phong were battling a swarm of troll drones that had materialized out of nowhere. Within several minutes, the trolls were all piles of steaming shit. Phong pulled out his Mallet of Doom Mk. II, and began malleting servers while the LT. chopped up several troll guards.

On the bridge of the Strowbridge, Admiral Sheppard watched as the Cock Rocket began slowly powering down. Obviously, the Cleaners were doing their job. "Gunnery Commander Kynes, open fire on the Cock Rocket with the main logic cannon, full power."

"Aye, aye, sir." A beam, several meters wide, lanced out from the tip of the Super Star Destroyer, catching the Cock Rocket amidships, and cutting it in two. Finally, the Rocket's spam core detonated, obliterating several space mice along with all on board. The Admiral watched the fireball, then turned his attention to Weyoun. But he quickly discovered that Weyoun had left again.

A Lambda-class shuttle arrived in .malicious, and the lone occupant, Weyoun, hopped out. "Hey! Rory! Raoul! I've got a job for you guys!"

The two trolls stopped fighting, turned around, and walked over to Weyoun. "What's the job?"

"I want you two to have a look at ASVS. Cock Rocket's already over there trolling, and it would be easy pickings for you two."

The two trolls looked at each other, then at Weyoun. "Cock Rocket, huh? We'll be there."


	10. Chapter 10

Dexter's Empire

Chapter 10

"Lt. Hit-Man's Log, Stardate 49024... no... wait...

WHAT THE KRIFF?"

On the bridge of the Galaxy-class USS Enterprise, Picard watched unmovingly as text began to scroll on the main viewscreen.

"In a galaxy very, very, very, very far...

If you can read this, you don't need glasses."

The viewscreen flashed brightly, revealing a thirty-two foot long ship cruising along. Data looked up at the ship, and promptly said, "Captain, it appears to be a 1987 Winnebago motorhome. With wings. And rocket engines." The HoloSpock promptly comments. "That is most illogical, Mr. Data."

The bridge viewscreen flashes again, this time revealing a... human face. Pressed against it. After several seconds of making gasping sounds, it spoke. "Picard, I need your help!"

"What now, Q?"

"Well, actually..." Q materializes on the bridge, and points out of the viewport. "they need your help."

Picard looks at the screen, seeing a large, ugly-looking ship heading straight for them. "What, that ugly ship?"

"No, mon captaine, that."

Picard looks again, this time seeing the large, ugly ship several kilometers closer. "What? What do you mean?"

Finally, Q snaps his fingers in desperation, and points again. "THAT."

"What? All I see is a big green ship."

"Mon captaine, will you please look off to the side?"

Picard complies, and turns his head, then turns it back just as quickly as a ten-foot-tall, green-glowing chicken walks out of the turbolift, a woman with a whip riding it. "Giddap, slave!"

Picard, exasperated, turns his back to Q, and drops his pajamas. "NO! Mon captaine, NO!"

In a flash, the captain puts his pants back on. "What, Q? Did I offend you?"

Several hundred thousand kilometers away...

A seventeen-kilometer long, dagger-shaped ship drifted through space, apparently derelict. Admiral Sheppard slowly looked up from his command chair on the bridge. "Ensign Jimmy, how's the repair job coming?

The older ensign checked his datapad. "All pretty well. Ensign Chris O'Farrell cleaned most of the hull as per El Tee's orders, but then he left for some reason." Sheppard looked up with interest, and the ensign continued. "We're still having problems cleaning the graffiti off of the bridge viewports, but apparently Cock Rocket never realized that we have a backup viewscreen."

As soon as Jim finished saying that, the comm buzzed. "This is Gunnery Commander Kynes. Sheppard, I've got some news for you, but first you should take a look at the Death Star."

Sheppard swiveled rapidly in his chair. "Lieutenant, put the Death Star on screen."

There was a moment of static as the camera focused, then cleared. Sheppard gasped at the sight. "What the kriff are they doing? Comm, patch me through to Darth Vader."

"Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep..." The sound of a busy signal permeated the bridge. Finally, it rang. "Buzz... We're sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected. Please check your number and try to call again."

Sheppard brought his fist down in frustration, managing to hit an errant mynock in the process. "Then get me Moff Jerjerrod."

Sounds of a choking person were heard over the intercom. "Jerjerrod? Exactly what is going on over there? Jerjerrod? MOFF! Comm, get me a visual." The holographic viewscreen reappeared, and it showed the prostrate form of Moff Jerjerrod, with Darth Vader standing over him, and wearing a thin, black silk shirt with red flowers on it underneath his cape.

"Apology accepted, Moff Jerjerrod."

Sheppard turned his attention to Vader. "Vader, what is the meaning of this?"

Vader turned around, a half-eaten Tribbleburger in one hand, the other hand holding a set of Ewok Fries. "Yes, Admiral?" Sheppard looked at him for a minute, and Vader returned the favor. Finally, the video cut off abruptly, and the view changed to the outside of the Death Star. A horde of construction droids were swarming over it, fitting it with mirror panels.

Finally, Sheppard spoke again. "Ok Kynes, you were saying?"

"Um, sir, um... well here's Threepio. He'll tell you."

The viewscreen switched to an internal view of the Falcon, with a large furry arm shoving the golden protocol droid forward. "B-b-b-but Sir!"

"Just say it, Goldenrod!"

"Uh... Greetings, Admiral Sheppard. I am See- Threepio, human-"

"Just get to the point."

"Um... yes, as I was saying, it would appear that the Death Star is being turned into a mirrored ball."

As Sheppard stared at the Death Star, the final mirror panel was put into place, and Disco Inferno began blaring over all of the subspace frequencies. Finally, he realized what Vader was doing. The Death Star now became an even deadlier weapon, with the power to incapacitate ships anytime, anywhere.

Back on the Enterprise-D, Q suddenly snapped his fingers as the disco began blaring over the Galaxy-class ship's comm system. In an instant, the entire bridge crew was dressed in silk shirts. Q stood up, dressed in a flared suit, and began to disco.

Data was the last one to start. He hit the comm quickly, and called Starfleet HQ. "Admiral Jellico, we've got an interesting thing happening here."

The Admiral slowly started to dance. "I can hear it. All ships, prepare to strut on my command."

On board the Spaceball 1, Dark Helmet was attempting to resist the urge to disco. "Must... resist... must... leave..."

Just at that moment, the DeLorean went flying past at a high speed, and Sandurz, seeing it, shouted. "Princess Vespa's car -I mean ship- is almost in range."

Helmet looked out at the approaching car. "Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose."

In the DeLorean, Doc cranked the wheel hard as several laser blasts streaked by. Jennifer, in the back seat, began to panic. "What was that?"

Doc crisply responded. "You just worry about the flux capacitor, Princess."

"Since when did Jennifer become a princess?" Marty turned his head around to look at Jennifer, and did a double-take as he saw her dressed in a flowing white robe.

"I don't know, Marty. OH!" The car rocked from another blast, and she was thrown backwards.

On a Borg Cube that somehow appeared nearby, the Borg Queen stood looking at the battle. "Careful, you idiot, I said ACROSS her nose, not up it!"

Drone 3 of 5 looked back at her. "I believe that you used the wrong line."

"Of course I used the wrong line! That's supposed to be funny!"

Across the chamber on the Borg ship, a drone formerly known as Lt. Saavik stood motionless, her Borg implants keeping her from moving. "Humor. A difficult concept."

On the Death Star, Darth Vader looked with indiscernible amusement at the wacky space battle. Suddenly, a hologram of Dark Helmet appeared in front of him. The two stood there, just looking at each other for many minutes.

"You-"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Impostor!"

"Impostor!"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I was first, impostor!"

"In the Imperial Navy, you would call me Idiot. I mean- you know what I mean."

"I do?"

"Yes!"

Vader tries to choke Dark Helmet, just as Dark Helmet tries to fire his green ray at Vader.

"Come on, you're supposed to collapse!"

"Well so are you!"

"You first!"

"No, you!"

"I insist. I'm supposed to collapse."

"Well so am I."

"Go on, collapse!"

"No, you first!"

Finally, the two give up. The hologram of Helmet walks over, and shakes hands with Vader. Vader jumps back, grasping his hand, just as Helmet (rolling in laughter) vanishes. Finally, Darth Vader opens his hand, to reveal an Acme Model 14S Palm Buzzer.


	11. Chapter 11

Dexter's Empire

Chapter 11

A lone Federation shuttle streaks into one of the Death Star's hangar bays. It lands, and a stormtrooper team walks over toward it. "I want a scanning crew in here on the double!" The lieutenant shouts the command over the intercom.

Over fifty technicians walk into the hangar bay, carrying a gigantic Hewlett-Packard.

The lieutenant walks over, rather miffed. "Ok, so what is the meaning of this?"

The lead technician answers. "You asked for a scanning crew, sir."

"Very well, carry on. I had no idea that the Ubiqtorate refitted you guys."

The scanner is set down, and a tractor beam is used to lift the lone Voyager shuttle onto its open glass screen. With a loud whirring of gears, the lid closes, and the lead technician walks over, pressing the Scan button.

Inside the shuttle, several people sat cross-legged in the space where the warp core used to be.

Leia cocked her head, then turned to Luke. "What's that funny noise?"

Luke reached out with the Force, and responded. "We're being scanned."

After several minutes of making whirring noises, the scanner spits out a sheet of flimsiplast, imprinted with a copy of the bottom of the shuttle.

Back on the bridge of the Strowbridge, Grand Admiral Sheppard watched as another wormhole appeared, sucking the Strowbridge, the Death Star, the Honeycomb Field, the USS Enterprise, and just about everything in the Bajoran System in.

"Damage report."

"Sir, all weapons are offline. Everything else checks out normal."

"Location."

"Sir, we appear to be in orbit of 20th century Earth."

"Oh."

Sheppard looks out the bridge viewport, and sees that the Honeycomb field has settled into a crude orbit of Earth. Just then, a ten-kilometer asteroid heads for the Strowbridge.

"FIRE THE SUPERLASER!"

"Umm... sir? We don't have a superlaser!"

"Well fire it anyway!" The green superlaser beam lances out from the nose of the Strowbridge, obliterating the asteroid.

Meanwhile, on Earth, a battle was raging. General Merk Sheppard looked over the plain at his army of mermen, who were advancing on Bangladesh. Suddenly, as they approached the country's border, a giant steel wall rose out of the ground. Force-fields snapped into being, and the country's Infinite Improbability Drive pushed it out of the crust, into orbit. The army of mermen instantly changed into an army of cows, who immediately began grazing.

"Captain Picard! There is a new contact coming from Earth!" Ensign Nameless shouted over the din of Red, Yellow, Green, and Purple Polka Dot alerts that were blaring on the Enterprise's bridge.

"On screen, Ensign Nameless."

"On screen." The view changed from a view of blank space, to a view of the Bangladesh Orbital Platform.

"Magnify, Ensign Nameless."

The computer chimed a response. "Magnifying Ensign Nameless." Then, the viewscreen began to show a gigantic view of the ensign, starting from the feet up.

"No, not that! Magnify the BOP!"

"Magnifying." A holographic Romulan BOP was shown, and it whizzed over the ducked heads of the bridge crew.

"WHAT THE KRIFF IS GOING ON!" Grand Admiral Sheppard tried to shout girlishly over the din of exploding cream puffs, but only succeeded in getting one of the french maid bridge crewmen to turn around.

"Gunnery Commander Kynes, I demand an explanation to this!"

Kynes looked down at himself, and quickly grabbed a towel that had materialized nearby, to cover himself up. "Admiral, it appears that the Bangladesh Infinite Improbability Drive managed to somehow combine realspace with Otherspace!"

"Is there any way to shut it down?"

"No. That's infinitely improbable, due to the nature of the drive."

"Can we do ANYTHING?"

"Well, we can try to fire the superlaser at it..."

"Then do so by all means!"

The superlaser charged up, and a high-pitched squeal was heard throughout the ship. Finally, as a tech pressed the button marked "FIRE," the sound of a flushing toilet was heard. On the bridge, panic ruled.

"What was that?"

"What?"

"That flushing toilet."

"Oh, that. Just Wayne Poe using one of the refreshers."

"Well tell him not to eat so much."

"Yes, Admiral."

The superlaser barrel jerked back, and a brown wad went sailing towards the BOP. "Ensign Jimmy, what was that?"

"Huh? Oh, you told me to fire the superlaser. Due to the influence of Otherspace, the superlaser has been turned into a crap cannon."


	12. Chapter 12

Dexter's Empire

Chapter 12

"I see everything now. Seven of Nine's undies-"

"What? Let me see that!"

Two stormtroopers, their armor a brilliant pink, sat hunched around a viewscreen that was somehow displaying a view of the former Borg's quarters. Just at that moment, though, it displayed Luke Skywalker walking into view. Seven walked up, kissed him on the lips, and began to take off her shirt. But Luke put up his hand, and told her to stop. The stormtroopers watched eagerly as he pulled out his lightsaber...

...and sliced through whatever was displaying the picture. But the audio was still on.

The first stormtrooper looked dejected. "Aww, now I can't see a thing."

The two looked at the viewscreen, which was only displaying static. But after a minute, they pressed their ears against it, listening to what was happening.

Luke's voice came over first. "Mara Jade? I thought..."

"You don't need to think. Just come close."

Seven interrupted. "Look, lady, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but get away from my guy."

"YOUR guy? He's my husband!"

A crunching metallic sound came over the speakers, and then a dull thud. The snap-hiss of a lightsaber igniting promptly followed.

"Like I care, so suck it!" Another thud followed.

"No, YOU suck it!" The sound of a lightsaber swiping through air broke the eerie silence.

"Watch where you point that thing!" Another swipe, and then static.

In the meantime, a badly damaged DeLorean crash-landed in fighter bay 1154 of the Disco Star (formerly the Death Star), smashing into a parked TIE fighter and causing it to explode. Immediately, two stormtroopers, both wearing Ewok costumes, ran up, grabbing Jennifer off the deck and placing binders on her. They then quickly walked off.

Inside the DeLorean, Marty was rubbing his head. Just then, the sound of stormtroopers pounding on the door with corn dogs could be heard. Marty reached across, shaking the white-haired scientist. "Doc! Doc! We've got to get out of here!"

Doc looked up, and shook his head a couple of times. "Marty, I want you to pop the door and get out on the count of three. One... two... THREE!"

The doors flew up, hitting the stormtroopers in the head, and sending them flying backwards across the deck. Marty grabbed his hoverboard and started running, closely followed by Doc. "Hey, Doc! Where to?"

"I don't know- just go anywhere!"

Immediately, Marty began running toward a turbolift, and pressed the button marked "Anywhere". The turbolift shot in some random direction, and finally the doors opened... on a wintry blizzard scene.

The Doc peered out into the blizzard. "What gives, Marty?"

Marty shouted over the howling wind. "Santa Claus?"

At that point, two giant accordion-spring mounted boxing gloves appeared behind the two men, ejecting them into the blizzard.

"Hey Doc!"

"What?"

"I can't see!"

"Well neither can I!"

"Hey Doc!"

"What?"

"You hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That!"

Slowly, the sound of several third-graders arguing could be heard, accompanied by the sound of several hundred stampeding cows. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!"

Doc got to his feet, squinting out into the white blizzard. "Great... Scott! Marty, get down!"

"Why?" Just then, Marty got flipped in the air, and landed on the back of a cow.

Doc snorted. "See?" But then, the same happened to him. "Whoaaaaa! Help!"

As if it wasn't bright enough, a blinding flash occurred, and the herd found itself back on a corridor of the Disco Star.

Kyle looked up, only to see Cartman swallow an entire cow. "Cartman?"

Cartman burped loudly, and then firmly responded. "I am Darth Cartman, and you _will_ respect my authoritah!"

"Ohh shit! STAN!"

"Damn, Kyle! I'm calling the Worschester Sauce Hotline!"

"Why? This ain't the zombie episode!"

"I know!"


	13. Chapter 13

Dexter's Empire

Chapter 13

In the meantime, Darth Vader walks off a shuttle, toward Ralph Nader, who is standing nearby. Nader immediately begins grasping at his throat, and falls down dead. "Apology accepted, Candidate Nader."  
Nader's corpse sat back up. "What apology?"  
Vader promptly responded. "I killed you, so go ahead and die already!"

As soon as Nader dies, a man, wearing a blue suit and carrying a slim briefcase walks in.  
"Gordon Freeman, in the flesh. I have relieved you of your weapons- after all, they were government property."  
Freeman turns around quickly, the RPG still on his shoulder. "What?"  
At that point, Freddy interrupts. "Oh, so you're the one behind this!"  
The G-Man turns toward him. "And who are you?"  
"I am Freddy the Magnificent, Keeper of... aww, shit. Someone gave me the  
wrong script!"  
Quiet chuckles are heard coming out of a nearby vent shaft. The G-Man continues.  
"Well, as I was saying... what was I saying? Ahh, yes. I am G-3PO, human-cyborg relations... damn, that can't be it!"  
At that point, Thelma speaks up. "Why is everybody talking this way?"  
Freddy chimes in. "Yeah, something's very fishy around here."  
They all speak in unison. "It must be a conspiracy!"  
Scooby walks over, and points toward a piece of paper lying on the ground.  
It reads:

_ Rear Characters:_

My apologies ror rhe random runacy. Rhings have been hard on me lately, erecially my alter ego. Rus, the Microsoft Word rell-recker is acting up again. Ranyway, if rhou want roo rolve rhis mystery, rook ror an old RHYT-1300 reighter in the Mutara Nebula.  


_Rigned, rhe rauthor._

Freddy, Thelma, and Daphne all look at each other, confused. "Who's the author?"  
A voice again booms out of nowhere. "I am! Oh shit, never mind!" Quiet rustling sounds are heard coming from the ventilation duct. Then, a loud clang could be heard, followed by rapid gunfire. The gunfire ceased for a second, and then resumed, louder than ever. Loud squeaking and chattering noises came through the vent, and a man screamed. "MEDIC!"

Daphne looks up at the sign hanging above them. "Hmm. Black Mesa Research Facility?"  
Just then, a team of scientists run past, apparently in a very big hurry.  
"Get to Lambda Sector while you can!"  
"What the heck?" Freddy looked at the passing scientists, just as the vent grille burst open from behind, edges smoking from blaster fire. A very dishevelled man stepped out. He wore the bullet-resistant vest of a security guard, a pair of heavy jeans, and a Marine's helmet.  
"Who are you?"  
"I'm the author. Or, more correctly, was the author."  
"What happened?"  
"My alter ego, Crayz9000, went evil and took control."  
"Why?"  
"I dunno. This is no time to ask, anyway!"  
Just then, Kyle, Darth Cartman, Kenny, and Stan go running past, pursued by several headcrabs. A headcrab jumps on Kenny, promptly turning him into a zombie.  
"Oh my God! They headcrabbed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!"

The people in the hangar bay of the Strowbridge watched with fear as LT. Hit-Man briskly strode past, boots pounding on the metal deck. He was smiling, which only made the hangar crew more uncomfortable. The only time that the LT. smiled was... well, nobody had ever come back alive. But one person was oblivious to the LT.'s approach, and continued to spit-polish the Fearmeister. Hit-Man waited for several seconds, then tore the headphones off Chris's ears. "GET AWAY FROM MY SHIP!," he shouted into the crazy clone's ear. The clone paid no attention, and a collective gasp was heard from the bridge crew. LT. Hit-Man turned around, in his best Jim Carrey impression, and said, "Clones today. They're so indifferent." Then he grabbed the clone with his droid arm, spun it around, and placed his laser sight right between its eyes. Still, the clone didn't flinch. So Hit-Man punched a button on his commlink, and a droid rolled up with a cage. Then, the LT. grabbed the unfortunate clone by the crotch, in the classic Spaceballs style, and unceremoniously dumped it in the cage. He pressed  
another button on his commlink, and the cage was placed in the cargo hatch of the Fearmeister. Two more cages followed, one empty, the other holding a masked figure. Finally, the top hatch of the starfighter slammed shut, just as LT. Hit-Man boarded it. Slowly, the starfighter rose on its repulsorlifts, and cruised out of the hangar bay.

On the USS Jellyco, Captain Jones was watching a pr0n flick of two guys screwing a dolphin on the main viewscreen when a dull thud came across the ship.  
"Ensign Nameless, what was that?"  
"God Emperor Jones, that was us ramming the Fearmeister."  
"Good. Then the accursed Hit-Man must be dead."  
A rending of metal could be heard, and the viewscreen exploded in a tangle of metal, glass and wires. Through the opening strode LT. Hit-Man, an icy cold look on his face.  
"Well. LT. Hit-Man. I never thought you would get the guts to come here and fight me like a chicken."  
There was no response from the stormtrooper, who simply continued on. In the meantime, Timmy kept talking.  
"Oh yeah, did I tell you that I have Q on a leash? He'll come to rescue me anytime I snap me fingers like this." He snapped his fingers, and the evil genie Jafar appeared next to him. Timmy just sat there, grinning, but slowly turned around when Jafar cleared his throat.  
"Um... hi... wait... gotta go!" Timmy took off at a run, but stopped dead in his tracks as Jafar simply pointed at him, and a giant doggie-leash appeared. Then a giant anvil fell out of the sky, turning the unfortunate Timmy into a pancake. Jafar looked at it, and the anvil vanished. But before Timmy could un-pancake himself, a 10 ton weight fell out of the sky,  
punching him straight through the floor and into the brig.

In the meantime, LT. Hit-Man walked up to Jafar, shook hands with him, and then proceeded to the brig while Jafar vanished. Once he reached the brig, the stormtrooper chucked the weight at the wall, scraped Timmy off the floor with an overgrown spatula, and placed him into a Osterizer blender that he had pulled out of a wall alcove. Chuckling to himself, he grabbed the blender, turned it on for several seconds, and then set back to the Fearmeister.

(Intermission?)

Loud cheers could be heard across a forest clearing. And what a strange sight it was. The Podracing stands from Tatooine stood at one end of the clearing, and Q, now disguised as Boss Hogg, stood in the grandstand. Spread out across the rest of the field was a motley collection of vehicles from across the universe. Finally, Q spoke.  
"Today, we're going to have the First Annual Intergalactic Podrace! In first position, as the former champ, is Sebulba of Tatooine."  
Sebulba promptly threw a hydrospanner at Q, who ducked under the missile. "I AM the champ!"  
Q just ignored it and continued. "In second position is the Dynamic Duo of Hazzard County, driving a modified Dodge Charger, the General Lee."  
A bright orange car with a Confederation flag painted on the roof came flying over a dirt ramp, landing perfectly in its spot.  
"In third place is Hazzard County Sheriff Roscoe, driving a Dodge Patrol Car." He turned around, and whispered into a CB radio. "Roscoe, is the secret additive ready?"  
"Sure, Boss, the nitroglycer-something tank is in place."  
"DON'T MENTION IT!"  
"Sorry, Boss."  
Q turned back to the crowd. "In fourth place is that great green van right from the 60's, the Mystery Machine. Groovy, baby!" This time, there was no interruption.  
"In sixth place are the Dominican Shout Troopers. These girls-" Q was interrupted as the Shout Troopers, in their brown habits, all got up.

"Oh, it makes me want to  
SHOUT!  
Come back on again and  
SHOUT!  
Come on now,  
SHOUT!  
Come on now,  
SHOUT!"

Q looked at them. "Are you finished yet? Good. Anyway, as I was saying, in Seventh Place are the Imperial Scout Troopers. These are the idiots who kept running into trees on Endor-" At that point, one of the scout troopers grabbed his blaster, and began firing at Q.  
"Now, now, calm down. You can't possibly hurt me."  
Then, all of the Scout Troopers opened fire. Q waved his hand, and a heavy transparisteel panel appeared in the way. "May I continue? Very well. In Eighth Place is Tom Paris with the Delta Flyer II!"  
Loud boos erupted from the grandstand, and a hail of rotten tomatoes pelted the Delta Flyer. "Please, Warsies! Calm down! Now, I was saying that in Ninth Place is the Teletubby Express..." Even louder boos erupted from the grandstand, and Q cleared his throat. "No, correction. I mean that in Ninth Place is Ben-Hur with... hmm, Anakin Skywalker's podracer? Oh well. In Tenth Place is Biff Tannen in his '47 Ford! And, last but not least, in Eleventh Place is Marty McFly, on an Imperial Speeder Bike! Now, it's time to head to the betting booths and place your bets as to who will win! Betting ends in one hour, so get those bets in!"  
Q waited for a second, and then sped up time. "Ok, the betting time is up! The race will begin in three... two... one... GO!"

All dozen contestants jumped forward, but the Mystery Machine ground to a halt within a few feet of starting. Freddy got out and popped the hood, only to be greeted by a stream of oil. "There has to be an explanation to this!"

Thelma walked up. "It must be sabotage!" Freddy poked his head back into the Mystery Machine. "Come on, gang, there's a mystery to solve!"

Q began his duties as announcer. "Oooh, looks like the Mystery Machine is out of the race! Hey wait! Freddy is out... they're coming this way! I think they're going to be out of the race for good." He turns to the live video displays of the race-course. "Currently, Sebulba is in the lead, with Ben-Hur coming up behind him like a mynock on fire!"

On another part of the racecourse, the Dukes were going full-tilt against Sheriff Roscoe. The Lee launched off a large dirt ramp and over a pond, and drums started beating.

"George,  
George,  
George of the Jungle,  
Strong as he can be,  
George,  
George,  
George of the Jungle,  
WATCH OUT FOR THAT-"

"Ahh-iee-ahh-iee-ahh!"

The drums stopped just as there was a muffled whump, and the Dukes had a face plastered across their windshield. Then the drums started beating again.

"car."

Sheriff Roscoe watched the Lee launch off the ramp. Not intending to get stuck in the pond like he usually did, he pulled on the Nitro lever. His car shot forward with a tremendous burst of speed, but he failed to notice that the Ewoks had released their logs. The patrol car spun around, and went flying tail-first into the duckpond.

Back at the front, Sebulba and Ben-Hur were busy ramming each other. Finally, their pods got stuck together, and both looked up to see a tree directly in front. At the last second, Ben-Hur managed to free his pod, with the result of Sebulba's pod crashing directly into the tree. Neither tree nor pod came out alive.

Meanwhile, Paris was running the DFII virtually unopposed. Well, not really. The Shout Troopers had hitched a ride on the roof, and so they were at a tie. Suddenly, the Delta Flyer's sensors flashed red. An AT-AT was looming directly in front of it, shooting at snowspeeders that somehow appeared. Paris instinctively jerked as the AT-AT's head turned towards him, but it was too late. Lightning coursed through the circuitry as the Delta Flyer took a direct hit, sending it into a downwards spin. It crashed into the fluffy snow, and the unharmed Shout Troopers picked up their bicycles and went on their way.

Biff cruised along, oblivious to everything around him as he listened to 50's music. But suddenly, something caught his eye. Marty, on a Imperial speeder bike.  
"Hello McFly! Glad to see you could drop in. Now drop DEAD!"  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah!"  
Biff cranked his car hard to the left, intending to take out Marty. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that Marty was flying. The speeder bike shot upwards, missing the fallen log which clipped off the Ford's windshield.  
"McFly, you're going to pay for that!"  
"Hey Biff! You're the ass who ran into that tree! Oh yeah, look out in front of you!"  
Biff quickly turned his neck, just in time to see a manure truck backing up. Right straight for him.  
"See you later, Biff!"  
"AAHHHH!"

Back in the grandstand, Q watched the progress of the remaining contestants. "And now Ben-Hur's in the lead, with the General Lee following in a close second, after ditching the sheriff in a duckpond, and slamming into George of the Jungle! The Imperial Scout Troopers are now disqualified, since the Ewoks booby-trapped the racetrack! Marty McFly, though, is trying his best to overtake the General Lee. And following up are the Dominican Shout Troopers! Oh, it's a close race now! Ben-Hur is still in the lead, but the Dukes and McFly are at a tie! No matter what happens, it looks like the Shout Troopers are still going to be the runners-up! Here they come down the home stretch! Oh my gosh, this can't be happening! The Shout Troopers are picking up speed! They are moving past the speed of sound! They're overtaking Ben-Hur! This is a change nobody expected! They are in the lead, with Ben-Hur close behind! Ok, now it looks like the Dukes managed to hold  
their own against McFly! Five hundred meters... four hundred... three hundred... two hundred... one hundred... And the Shout Troopers win the race, with Ben-Hur and the Dukes tied for second place, and McFly coming in third!"

The crowd erupted in cheers (and boos) as the final contestants walked to the awards booth. Back on the grandstand, Q kept on talking. "And now we'll talk with those people who didn't make it. First up, Biff Tannen!"

Biff appeared on the giant screen, slimy from horse crap. Q took the opportunity to speak. "So, Biff, what is your comment?"  
Biff slowly spat some horse manure out of his mouth. "I... hate... manure!"  
Q turned around. "Well, there you have it, folks! Now, back to your regular scheduled random lunacy."


	14. Chapter 14

Dexter's Empire

Chapter 14

"Hello, Timmy. My name is Jimmy, the Mercenary Banana."

"Huh?"

"We're in a blender. And you have a glock pointed at you."

"So?"

The blender was shaken, and Timothy came out as a red splotch on the floor. The blob immediately straightened itself, and rose to LT. Hit-Man's eye level.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?"

"Kriff you, Timmy!"

"I ASKED A QUESTION!"

At that point, the LT pulled out a Ghostbusters proton pack, and turned it on. The unfortunate paste that was Timmy was sucked into it, and then the LT walked over to an airlock and chucked it out.

"WAAAAH!" Timmy's voice carried across the vacuum of space with a... resounding clang?

"LT. Hit-Man to the bridge. Lock all tractor beams on a red blob, and put it in a containment cell. I'm not done with it yet."

"Um... yes, sir!"

"Sir, we've figured out what to do with all these tribbles."

"Well, what do we do with them?" The Death Star's commanding commodore looked down at the midshipman in front of him.

"This." He pulled out a ridiculously large blueprint, and spread it out across the table. "I call it the TribbleLaser."

"What does it do?"

"It accelerates tribbles to hyperlight velocities, giving them an immense energy charge. With the rate these things multiply, you could destroy planets with the power of a hand blaster."

"Kind of like a Gauss rifle?"

"Precisely, only that tribbles are the projectile."

"Set to work at once. I want you to replace half of every Star Destroyer's turbolasers if it works."

"Yes, sir."

"Sir?" Commander Data looked at his status displays. "There is an ISD in weapons range."

Picard only glanced up from his cup o' tea. "Fire."

Phasers lanced out from the NCC 1701-D, catching the Star Destroyer amidships.

"Sir, phasers are having no effect. I'm reading... solid neutronium armor. Incoming!"

"Projectiles are..." WHAM! "Hyperaccelerated Tribbles." WHAM!

The comm rang. "Cap'n, the hull canna stand up to this kind of beating!"

"LaForge, enough of your Scotty impressions."

"Very well. But sir, I canna violate the laws of physics!"

"I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO!"

Suddenly, there was a flash, and Q (who else?) appeared on the bridge. "Mon Captaine, I have received complaints about this universe, especially since the Empire has started killing planets with Tribbles. It therefore behooves me to draw this to a close. However, you will be spared." There was an even brighter flash, the bridge shook, lights went out, several ensigns were killed, and the universe imploded.

_**FINIS**_

"Well... not exactly yet." Q turned around, to reveal the crew of the USS Enterprise, sitting dead in space at the time of the second Big Bang. "You see, I simply hit the reset button for the universe. It will... be rather interesting."

As he spoke, the Enterprise was impacted by a proton shock wave, sending it spinning out of control. Q waved his hand, and the ship was dumped several tens of millions of years in the future. "Bon voyage, Mon Captaine." In the background, the ship can be seen careening towards a newly formed planet, its stardrive section separating while the saucer crashes into the planet.

In the Afterlife...

"Hey guys! Want to play another game of 'Pin the tail on Timmy'?"

Pablo Sanchez didn't even look up. "Oh, yeah, sure."

"Come on, guys!" Crayz9000 finally sat down, and began twiddling his thumbs.

LT. Hit-Man stepped out of the shadows, a faint shadow standing beside him. "Wanna meet my new friend, guys?"

MKSheppard looked up at him. "Sure. Who is he?"

"He prefers to be called Diablo."

Meanwhile, in another section of the new universe...

"MUHAHAH! I am the Emperor! MUHAHAH!" Dexter, arrayed in royal robes, stared down at the planet below. "You will all bow before me! MUHAHAH!"

He laughed for several minutes, but then slowly started crying. "I'm bored. Deedee?"

The End


End file.
